I haven’t written a post in a while. The reason being is that I’m happier than I’ve been in some time and writing for me as always been a way to work through sadness.
I haven’t felt truly sad for some time. A little sad, but never anything too serious. While I’m still insecure, and pensive, things are different now. I know that I’ll always have some insecurity. My height for one. I’m 5 foot and 9.75 inches tall and have long limbs. I often feel awkward and graceless as a result.
The difference now is that for the first time in my life, I genuinely think that I’m attractive, even post workout, and even without makeup on. I’m not as anxious about falling behind my friend’s career-wise, and I don’t compare like I once had. These changes are a huge deal for me.
This past Sunday I was talking to my friend Connie about blogging. I was telling her how I just didn’t know what to write about anymore. She mentioned that I should consider writing about progress, growth, and a change in mindset. I agree with her, so I’m going with it.
It’s important to focus on the here and now because the past will destroy your present if you let it. Things are different now, and it’s a positive thing. I’m a positive thing. I’ve always been sensitive and open to everyone’s energies, but I’m now learning how to set clearer boundaries.
When I was younger this caused great angst in my life as I had no boundaries and I felt everything. Even the junk that wasn’t my business. I didn’t know how to block it out. As a result, I want to be more aware of my energy now because I wish to attract only good in my life. I’m carving a world out of a chaotic life and turning it into gold.
Lately, I’ve become obsessed with positivity and feeling happy. I know that my energy has changed as a result of this.
When I was first settling in Los Angeles I was pretty miserable and negative. The first month was the worst and I kept contemplating moving. I was keeping busy, and I was meeting people, but I felt lost. I was also lying to everyone around me about how I felt about this city.
I’ve never told anyone this, but when I was first introduced to the people I’m friends with now I didn’t think I was capable of connecting with them. I was hesitant to get close, so I didn’t.
Then, almost overnight, something shifted. I began feeling more aware of what I was thinking and projecting onto the world. It wasn’t until April that I snapped out of it and truly embraced the community I’m in now. I started showing up and connecting with people in ways that I hadn’t before.
I wish I remembered what happened to cause the shift. You have to understand, all I’ve ever wanted was to be a part of a community. Many people told me that this was rare, and it would probably never happen for me. I told them to fuck off (in my head obviously) and I assured them that I would.
I’ve come to the realization that I had come pretty close to missing out. Due to my own worry, negativity, and anxiety. I almost lost what I had yearned for my whole life.
While I don’t recall exactly how it happened, I’m truly grateful for whoever or whatever woke me the hell up.
I don’t relate to sad quotes anymore, or to negative posts. I can’t imagine a world different than the one I’m living in right now. While I still get quiet and worried, I also like myself a whole lot more than I ever had.
I really love the friends and community I’m in. I feel more centered, more spiritual, happier, and lighter. I feel like I’m home.