I’ve started and stopped writing the same book for years now. I wrote my first movie script in high school and continue adding to it every year or so. I used to think that my focus had shifted. But I’ve realized that I’ve actually been the same me this whole time. The only difference now is my mindset.
Every short film I created, every poem and essay I’ve written has always had the underlying theme of love. My film teacher in high school used to laugh with me about this, as if it’s all I could think about. And maybe that was the case, but underneath it all, I think all of us have that underlying desire for love. Even the short film I wrote, which is based around a fight for power and control has love in the subtext.
The way I view love has changed over the past year. I used to run from the idea of a relationship because I never wanted to be controlled. For a long time, I thought that a relationship equaled the removal of personal freedom. That once you’re in a relationship you go from “Me” to “We” in every situation, even if your significant other isn’t present. It may sound selfish, but I never desired to lose the “Me” aspect of who I am.
As messy and weird as I am, I’ve always just desired to be authentic. I went through a phase where I tried being like everyone else. I buried myself so I wouldn’t be “too much” for those around me. It didn’t work in my favor. People saw right through my facade and I was miserable. I was still “Me” but it wasn’t the person I felt on the inside. I didn’t love her. But in order to love who I am, It’s impossible to hate the experiences that shaped me.
“You’re okay the way you are.”
I spent my whole life being told this, and I listened but never believed. How could I be okay the way I am when I wasn’t finding the love I craved? It was a huge blow when I realized that I was the one standing in my own way. I had spent years holding myself back. After digesting this sobering tidbit of information, I began growing in a more constructive manner.
“If you starve yourself of love, you’ll continue to meet people who will also starve you of love. If you soak yourself in love, the universe will hand you those who’ll love you too.”
I create the love in my own life by choosing to love myself first. It’s not the responsibility of others to be the beacon of happiness at the end of the tunnel. I’m creating my own happiness. The rest will follow.
Everything I do still has the underlying theme of love. Only because it’s who I am naturally. If I wanted to, I could be an asshole, I’m not terrible at it either. But deep down, my authentic self is love. I used to dislike this about myself because I thought that it made me weak. But by getting upset over being called “sweet” I was denying my truth. Because I am sweet. I can’t authentically be anything but.
It took me a while to realize that I was okay the way I am. That the universe and God have always had my back. Subconsciously I think I must have known because it shows in my artistic ventures. In my art, writing, and film projects. But I’ve been receiving love notes in the form of people my whole life without fully realizing the beauty of it all.
Every text, phone call, conversation, laugh, and smile has brought me to this moment right now. Sitting in a coffee shop in Los Angeles. The greatness of it all isn’t lost on me.
I’m creating love because it’s who I am. It’s who I’ll always be.