Late Nights Thoughts – Personal Growth Series 2

Disclaimer: It’s late, my head hurts, but my mind is running wild.  I need to write, sorry if none of this makes sense.  Welcome to my personal growth series.

In high school, I volunteered at a Catholic family camp during the summers.  Some nights I would be in charge of sitting outside the cabins as the parents partied and the children slept.

The Evergreens would play with the moonlight, casting shadows along the dew covered grass.  What lurked behind those shadows scared me.  I have always been fearful of the unknown.  Which is why my life right now is both confusing and admirable.

I’m still figuring things out, I probably always will be.  But a lot has changed.  I used to be very into acting and film production.  Having gone to school for digital cinema I was on track to becoming an Art Director. I performed,  auditioned, modeled, and produced my own work.

But something shifted after I moved out here and I don’t have the drive to be a part of that industry anymore. The dream isn’t dead, it’s just different.

What it came down to was how I felt about myself in that space. Feeling like I was never good enough, I started to self-sabotage.  I felt fat so I binged, I felt ugly so my skin suffered.

With acting, I spent countless hours delving into a character and getting into the headspace.   As a result, I learned how to read other people pretty well, but I stopped being able to read myself.

I had no idea who I was or what I was becoming.

Living in Los Angeles and being around the community I’ve found is allowing me to find that girl again. I’m allowed to be goofy and serious.  And for some strange reason, people like me even though I’m weird sometimes.  I never gave myself permission to be myself because I had spent so long feeling judged by my peers and the adults in my life.  I can’t remember the last time I felt the way I feel now.  It makes me sad to think about.

I’m still learning to cut myself slack and not to worry so much.  I’m still learning to love the parts of myself that I used to hate.

I want to be more loving and less judgmental.  I grew up in an extremely critical world.  Nothing was right, and I felt like I was always wrong.  Every action, every thought, and every decision was scrutinized by those around me and the results I received were usually less than stellar.  Being alive was a chore and I wanted nothing to do with it. Only when I learned how to pull the weeds of past bullshit from my mind was I able to start blooming.

I still feel shiny and new here.  I’m still terrified that I’m going to mess it all up.  It’s the constant reminder that now is different, that these people are different, and I can’t assume things are going to fall apart just because they have in the past.  My decision making is better in the friend department, and I need to give myself credit for that.

Loving people is scary.  People can choose to hurt you and they can choose to leave and never come back.  Thinking about it makes me weepy because It kills to have your heart broken as much as mine’s been broken.  The pain’s enough to never want to be vulnerable with another person again.

I’m getting there.  The unknown terrifies me but moving out here also terrified me.  I’m learning that sometimes fear is enough for you to take that leap of faith.

I 100% feel that this space is different.  Because for the first time in probably my whole life I feel comfortable being me.

Maybe the pain I’ve gone through were lessons I needed to learn for what my life is becoming.  I think me now is exactly who the people I’m meeting needed to meet, and I believe that the people I’m meeting are going to influence my life for the better.

Let’s be honest though…They definitely already have.


Photo by Oliver Cole on Unsplash

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