At what point do we admit that there’s something more than what we perceive to be the truth? Or maybe we already have and I’m overlooking the obvious. The truth hangs in the balance. Somewhere between fear and uncertainty. I’m a far cry from who I was a year ago, or even a month ago. I never knew that evolving could happen so quickly, yet here we are. My life looks different than it was, but a part of me is still scared that it’ll disappear at any moment. Not to the point where I’m paralyzed but whenever I’m invited anywhere, whenever someone reaches out, I question the relationship. I question if it’s real because at some level I know that I’m still dealing with feelings of self-worth and many things in life are temporary.
It’s surreal to me that people care in that way. Many of my relationships growing up were convenient and we rarely spoke if one of us didn’t need anything from the other. As a result, I became a little too independent. Never telling people where I was going, who I was with, or what my plans were for the day. There’s nothing wrong with being independent, but it’s difficult to maintain strong connections if you never let anyone in. Letting people take care of me and care for me is difficult. I had always been the one that people came to for emotional support and this role reversal is the most bizarre feeling. Which is why it scares me. Because it doesn’t feel real and at some level, I feel needy for even asking for support at all.
One of the best messages I heard in recent months was that feelings are just energy. They flow through us and we get to decide what happens next. Do we hold on or let go?
Life is temporary, as are emotions and relationships. So deciding that anything is worth the risk is a risk itself. One of the bravest things a person can do is love. As cliche as it sounds. Whether it’s to love another person or yourself, there’s going to be that risk. It won’t be easy. For a while now I’ve felt that a good definition of love is knowing who to choose. Only you really know the answer to “Is it worth the effort for fear of only being temporary?”
I’m still in Mexico right now waiting on my flight back to Los Angeles. This whole past year has been dedicated to uncovering bad habits, mindset shifts, changed behaviors, and growing relationships. 2019, I know, will be a year for action. Taking everything I’ve learned over the course of this past year and applying it to my goals. I’m so looking forward to the months ahead because I know that this year will be even more significant than 2018 and 2018 was a pretty intense year for me. But beyond that, I also believe that this next year will be significant for everyone in my life. Every year has it’s “thing” but I just have a good feeling about what’s coming up.
What are you looking forward to this coming year? What are your goals? I spent the week before I left for Mexico making vision boards and talking about what my plans were for the next year. I’m excited to write about all I discover.