Mindfulness and Finding Me – Part 1

Lately that I’ve been truly discovering who I am.  There’s more mindfulness of my bad habits and how they stunt me from growing.  I remember the frustration that came along with not knowing who I was.  I didn’t know who I was in any space, or how I fit in this world.  But I don’t have that same frustration anymore.  I’m becoming me.  Relationships are shifting, my mindset’s expanding, and I’m figuring things out.

For a long time, I wanted to please people and had a strong desire to fit in.  But always being there for others, always being the emotional support, the rock, and always being “on” can wear anyone down.  It wasn’t until I became exhausted by it that I began to find myself.  I started setting boundaries that weren’t there before, and I stopped trying so hard.

I’ve come to find that nothing’s ever random.  Listening to people talk about what brought them to where they are while at the same time figuring out where I fit in their story is proof enough that everyone’s led to meet by a universal pull.  A shift that can’t be explained, but is felt by those with strong intuition.  You’re drawn to certain people.   I’ve felt it.  You meet someone new, you barely know this person, but straight away, in the back of your mind, you know that they’re going to be a significant part of your life.  It’s typically a slow buildup, for me at least.  But I’ve never been wrong about that feeling.  I’ll always make an extra effort with the people I feel the most drawn to.  Because it’s these people where I feel the most at home.

Meeting people is a lot like dominoes.  You become friends with one person so that you can meet the next person, and so on. That next person could either break your heart, fall in love with you, or be your closest friend.  Regardless, the role is crucial to your process.  Like any domino design, no two are alike.  We’re all on different paths that cross from time-to-time.  Some go faster than others, maybe a few are slower to process their next move, while many might run parallel for years and never touch.

The frustration I have now is different from before.  Today it’s less anxiety and more confusion on how to proceed.  Because I feel myself shifting in a different direction.  Away from the old, and it’s uncomfortable.  It feels wrong to move on from certain things and fully embrace others.  It’s a story I’ve placed way to much value on.  I feel entirely guilty over the feeling, but I’m also aware that this has happened before.  Apparently, I have yet to learn the lesson.

I won’t let the feelings of guilt ruin my feelings of happiness.  Because I feel better then I’ve ever felt, and I won’t let the judgment I’m placing on myself right now get in the way of that.  What I need is more understanding of my current feelings.  Because judgment will stifle and separate who I’m becoming, while understanding will allow me the room needed to grow.

This will all make perfect sense one day and regardless of how things continue to play out, I’m grateful for mindfulness and thankful that my domino design’s going in the direction that it’s going.


Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash

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