On some weekends twelve in the morning hits you like a bag of bricks. You open your eyes and before you know it, it’s Monday, you roll over but sleep won’t come. The Rosé’s gone, but you can’t seem to care. You’re numb to the sound of the clock in the hallway as it strikes twelve, and then one.
The city is still awake, police sirens are alive and well, and some asshole left their puppy outside again to bark throughout the early morning. I know this place, I know the sounds, and I know the feelings that come with them. This is new territory, but it’s familiar. I recognize it almost as well as I know my own name.
The lights of the building outside my window glow purple and ominous. It reminds me of a cold January night in Portugal many years ago. Some friends and I ran across a dark lush field to a casino filled with large men in suits, smoking fat cigars. Red Persian styled carpets filled the smoke-filled rooms. No one bothered us, no seemed to say a word, but the men stared. Their smiles still hold heavy in my mind.
I’m not sad. I’m in a transitional period that confuses the hell out of me. I grew up to be fairly confident, but lately, I’ve been feeling like an awkward teenager again who can’t find her voice. I’m lonely for someone who doesn’t seem to exist in this space. I’m not even sure that I know how to exist in this space. It’s taken a toll on how I present myself. I’m pretty awesome, but I think I’ve been seeming a little lame lately. I feel pretty lame lately.
I know that I’m feeling sorry for myself. Maybe it’s the wine or the late night air. Or maybe it’s the chronic cycle of my brain trying to process the last 25 years of my life. A lot’s happened in 25 years. I’m still in awe that I actually made it to this moment. There was a time in my life that I doubted I’d even make it to 20. I’m grateful younger-me stuck with it. There are people today who need me and it would suck if I wasn’t around for them. Obviously, this goes for everyone I know as well.
Because losing an integral person in your life can devastate you. It can change the way you view love and friendship. It can even skew the way you see the world around you.
It will nearly destroy you when you lose someone you love so completely, and it’s the people who stick around that you need to look to for guidance. They chose you. They chose you every damn day, even when you were being a little bitch. Congratulations, someone loves you.
I think people forget that rarely does anyone do anything that they don’t want to do. This includes showing up. People who care show that they care by showing up when you need them to. Don’t ever take that for granted. Becuase people do have limits, and they will eventually get tired of your bullshit if you do.
This went on a long unintended tangent. But it’s late, I’m tired, and sometimes a girls gotta write.
It’s nearing 1:30, It’s finally quiet outside, and I should follow suit.
Goodnight bb’s and happy Monday!